i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
