I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
