Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
