There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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