My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
