I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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