Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
