I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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