my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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