When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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