Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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