what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
