Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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