the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
