I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
