She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
