Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
