Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
