Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
