my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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