I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Houston, we have a blender
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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