but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
