i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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