No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
