Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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