Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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