I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
