That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
