Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
