Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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