Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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