Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
