god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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