my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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