Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
