how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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