i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
