Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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