my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
