I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
