You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
