guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
