Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
