Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
