Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
