he was CRYING into my vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
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I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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