I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
