A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
