Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
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I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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