remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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