remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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