I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
