I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
