i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night