Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
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i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law