I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.