I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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