our cab driver is having phone sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
