so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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